Has feminism made women resent being mothers?

The story from the U.K. Mail  The mother who says having these two children is the biggest regret of her life, and others like it, made me consider whether or not many women resent their children and wish they had never had them.  From the UKMail story:

To some, my life before I had the children may have seemed humdrum and my job as a typist was, it’s true, not much of a career. So what was the great sacrifice, you might think?

What I valued most in my life was time on my own; to reflect, read and enjoy my own company and peace of mind. And suddenly that peace and solitude wasn’t there any more. There were two small interlopers intruding on it. And I’ve never got that peace back…

I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me and didn’t give back.

At first, I thought this was a case of the media poisoning our social narrative, as they are wont to do.  After all, it’s very sensational to report a story like the one above; people get all up in arms about it and it generates a lot of buzz and attention, but happy mothers who enjoy caring for their children aren’t very newsworthy and don’t get written about.  This makes it seem as if there is some “trend” of women beginning to despise motherhood when in reality there have always been a handful of maladjusted women who chafe under any limits on their freedom.

However, I decided to google mothers who wish they hadn’t had children just to see what it would turn up, and I was a little startled by what I found.  It wasn’t the news stories that interested me; it was the anonymous boards where women confess how much they hate being mothers.  For example, from WISH YOU WEREN’T A MOM?:

Right now yes. I wish I had waited until I’d had fun, found the man that I love and discovered my path in life. Right now I’m 24, have been a single mum since I was 18. I work full-time, my kids are beautiful with such amazing personalities, but it is so hard. I’ve never had the opportunity to be young,or selfish, or to make a decision based singularly on what’s right for ME, or plainly just what I want.

And another example:

If I could turn back the hands of time I wouldnt dare let a male bastard impregnate me, only to forfeit my freedom, my figure, and my finances… I know it may sound so selfish and shallow, but noone tells you just how much of yourself you give up as a mother. The mistake society makes is glamourizing motherhood. I lost myself somwhere amongst the seemingly endless diaper trail. I feel so stuck and so guilty at the same time.

And this charming lady:

I don’t like being a mother. I feel awful for saying this too but it’s the first time I’ve ever admitted it and I’m relieved to see others here who feel the same way. I am introverted, self sufficient and would usually prefer to be alone or in the company of 1-2 people. Having kids ruins all that. I hate to be bothered, I hate to answer questions, I hate having to spend money on stuff that I feel could go elsewhere. My daughter, however, is so sweet and loving and affectionate and I feel bad for feeling this way toward her. She’s almost 6. But it’s like when she wants to lay all on me and hug and kiss I can feel my skin crawling. I prefer her at a reasonable distance. And it’s not her that I specifically dislike, it’s kids in general. But when she whines, I just want to rip her skin off. And she complains and fusses and it irritates me like nothing in the world. If I could go back, I’d be one of those people who never ever had children. Perhaps, I’d marry (I’m not married now and can’t picture it but the idea sounds ok) but I’d want a child-free life so we could enjoy eachother, vacation and own nice things without worrying about some kid spilling juice on it. I am sad to say, I certainly dont like this job. Not to mention, pregnancy ruined my Playboy perfect body and I’ll never get it back without extensive surgery (more money to spend)…I often wonder what my life would be like right now without a kid. How great I’d probably be doing. And it’s a shame. I love my daughter but if I could change it I would. Hands down.

There are hundreds more comments like these, which manifest incredible selfishness, but are these women exhibiting this resentment because of feminist influence?  Feminism is, after all, a profoundly selfish philosophy.  It elevates the individual woman’s desires above the good of anyone else.  Service to another, especially service to a husband or child, is not seen as a joyful, loving, willing sacrifice, but instead as a form of slavery which depletes the woman.

What strikes me about these examples is that the women don’t talk about how children have interfered with their careers, and isn’t careerism supposed to be one of the tenets of feminism?  Ah, but that is how feminism is played out for the high-IQ, college-educated, well-off woman.  The examples I have shared are how feminism is distilled down to the average woman, for whom it isn’t about a political ideology.  Instead, it is manifested as extreme self-centeredness.  It isn’t exactly solipsism, which as a philosophy posits that only the self exists, or can be proved to exist; it is rather more evil than this because these non-intellectual women from the lower classes can see that others exist and resent them for doing so.

Feminism makes women resent being mothers; God’s plan for how a mother should feel about her children is quite different:

He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD! Psalm 113:9

When a woman is giving birth, she has sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. John 16:21 

Satan, through the rebellious ideology of feminism, offers women a false freedom which leads only to resentment and bitterness.  God offers us true freedom through faith in His Son, which leads to joy and peace.  Sisters, choose for yourself this day whom you will serve.

85 thoughts on “Has feminism made women resent being mothers?

  1. okrahead

    What is also amazing is that these womyn have no compunction whatsoever about openly proclaiming their loathing for their own children. Add to that the fact that other womyn then ENDORSE rather than call out their ego-maniacal pedoandry. (Misandry and misogyny are real words, right? Then don’t we need a word for hatred of children? And yes, I just totally made that up.)
    A thought here about the lower class womyn who act this way…. They are completely incapable of accepting that their lives are unsatisfactory and empty due to their own choices…. So someone must be to blame…. So it’s the children.
    Getting knocked up out of wedlock and can’t pay the bills? Blame the kid.
    Miss out on a promotion because the wiotch who had an abortion instead spends more hours at work? Blame the kid.
    Hot alphas won’t sex you up because you have the BMI of an orca? Blame the kid.
    Can’t even get a beta schlub to wife you up because you’ve got two or three little bastards in tow? Blame the kids.
    Can’t go out drinking with the girls because your kid is sick and so is the babysitter? Blame the kid.
    Etc., etc., etc.
    Time to woman up, ladies, and start taking care of your children…. By first taking responsibility for yourselves.

  2. Miserman

    In college, as a Creative Writing major, I had to read Kate Chopin’s The Awakening. Written in 1899, it is the tale of a woman discontent with being a wife and mother and at the end drowns herself to escape both. Of course, I was the only guy in this particular class on literary criticism and the rest of the class, all young feminsts in the making, just gushed about great the book was. I should have just gone for a STEM education.

  3. RICanuck

    SSM,

    None of the three quotes you included in your article mentioned a husband. I am sure it is rough to be a single mother. Sometimes, when our kids were small, I would come home from work and my wife (a generous and loving mother), would lock herself in our room for an hour or so. It was then my job to rough house with the kids, apply discipline as needed, and burn off their energy. When my wife finished her quiet, decompression time, the older kids would set the table and we would eat supper.

    I don’t want anyone to think that this happened regularly, but even the best moms need some quiet time, and dads/husbands should be willing to pitch in.

    The Daily Mail article you linked indicated one RED FLAG for a man hoping to marry. If that sweet young thing you are willing to commit the rest of your life with doesn’t want kids, and he does, he should bail. What young man wants the mother of his children to have an attitude like the authoress of that article?

    Pay attention to the warnings of Rollo and Roissy against oneitis!

  4. earl

    How about that safe promiscous sex? No matter how you slice it any sex outside of marriage has bad consequences.

    Besides women have been loathing their children since 1973…50 million and counting.

  5. sunshinemary Post author

    Miserman wrote:

    I had to read Kate Chopin’s The Awakening. Written in 1899, it is the tale of a woman discontent with being a wife and mother and at the end drowns herself to escape both.

    Indeed, there have always been female characters in literature who despised motherhood. Think of Madame Bovary’s feelings toward her daughter, Berthe.

    RICanuck wrote:

    even the best moms need some quiet time, and dads/husbands should be willing to pitch in.

    Yes, I agree with you, and that is yet another reason why single motherhood is a horrible idea.

    Okrahead wrote:

    What is also amazing is that these womyn have no compunction whatsoever about openly proclaiming their loathing for their own children.

    Isn’t that something to behold? I cannot believe how affirming other women are of this attitude, as if they ought to be proud and not ashamed. My feeling is that if one is feeling ashamed, it is probably because what one is doing or saying is shameful.

  6. songtwoeleven

    These women are talking about single motherhood, yes…but I have been very close to women – married women – who speak of their children as if they are accessories to be tossed aside when they aren’t convenient. Statements such as: “Oh, GAWD, yes, my birthday lunch was nice…but I can hardly WAIT until we don’t have FOUR KIDS with us!” and “I’m sooooo disappointed – I have been ‘on’ for 24/7 this week..and hubby’s not coming home ’till late tonight, so I can’t make the girls’ wine and Pampered Chef party! If only it weren’t for the KIDS!”

    No, this isn’t quite as bad as saying you just wish they were never born, but it’s the same spirit. Children are a BOTHER; not a BLESSING. I love how you contrasted that horrible woman’s article with the Word of God on your last post, SSM.

    Yes, it is often HARD to be a full-time mother. And there it is, IMHO: THE root reason that women don’t cherish motherhood any more…it’s difficult. It can be challenging to function on three hours of sleep for months as you care for an infant, all the while caring for older children who nap at entirely different times! It can be difficult to drag your body across the room to bring a cup of water or juice to a toddler for the tenth time that morning. It can be insanely repetitive to speak the same corrective, loving words in discipline as you train toddlers and preschoolers in character and the love of Christ. These things are, IMHO, more difficult than sitting behind a PC in a cubicle with scheduled fifteen minute morning/afternoon breastmilk-pumping breaks.

    I just think modern women have been trained to avoid anything that remotely resembles WORK or reeks of hardship or any form of personal suffering. Not that all of motherhood is this “victimized suffering” – I love being at home and being able to sit back and have a cup of coffee while the little ones sleep and the older ones do their thing. It’s a blessing. But…the hard times are a blessing, too, not a curse and a burden.

  7. jaybeespancakes

    People often point to the command that husbands should lead, say that men aren’t naturally inclined and have to be trained up to lead, and there is little contest of this claim from any camp. People however seem to assume that women are naturally inclined to “nurture” and that this behavior just springs up. but this is not the case, no matter how much propaganda Focus on the Family puts out; Titus 2:4 shows that women must be taught to love their husbands and children.

    If were were naturally inclined, then there wouldn’t be a need for the commandment and the teaching; we do the flesh’s inclinations without instruction. You are dead on that this is the natural rebellion of the natural woman – without Jesus as her Lord and Savior, she can’t even love the offspring of her own flesh she is such a slave to her sin inclination.

  8. earl

    “I just think modern women have been trained to avoid anything that remotely resembles WORK or reeks of hardship or any form of personal suffering.”

    They live a primrose path until kids arrive. At least a man knows about hardship, personal suffering, and how to overcome adversity. It might be a good idea for these women to have one around when kids come.

  9. King Charlemagne

    As someone who has never married, and probably will not ever, it seems most women these days do not have good role models and were never shown how to be caring to children. I remember reading an article by a woman who ran a day care in Seattle and she said many of her clients did not work. The women were married to husbands with good incomes and used the day care as a baby sitting service while they socialised with their friends. :(

    PS-Welcome Back Sunshine. :)

  10. Frank

    This reminds me of those self realization things I’ve see women do where they decide “it’s just not fun to be married and a mother anymore, let me go explore the world!” So they literally abandon their jobs and family and go bumming across Europe or something, and they’re celebrated like super-heros because they’re like, discovering themselves… or something.

    And suddenly the lack of outrage over Kermit Gosnell starts to make more sense.

  11. Emma the Emo

    I don’t think it’s feminism. It’s
    1) Women who should have never had children, having children and
    2) Women who are ranting in a fit of frustration, but otherwise love their kids.

    But simply said, some people should not reproduce. I just wish they were smart enough to realize it themselves.

  12. Frank

    I’d like to know why more men don’t have enough self-respect to stop bumping uglies with you know… uglies. The hard looks of the woman in that article alone could tear holes in the space time continuum.

  13. an observer

    The secular woman expressing this i could understand. Given atheists are basically nihilists and hedonists, sure.

    But the christian woman, stuffed with careerism, selfism and an inability to empathise? Disgusts me.

    Openly resenting your children is a form of witchcraft, inviting death into their lives. That is so depraved.

    I like what you said, Song, that women resent anything resembling work. I would extend the metaphor further, and suggest these women have idolised happiness, fulfilment and their own temporary lives.

    Depraved.

  14. an observer

    Women can say they love their children. But i don’t believe it when their actions contradict them.

    Words are cheap. Action is difficult. Actively loving children means work, discipline and fighting against your own short term desires.

    Its the same maxim in yet another context. I don’t believe anything a woman says, only what she does.

  15. tz2026

    But you miss the great divorce between sex and procreation. Contraceptives didn’t sever them completely. I suspect some of these children were “accidents”, either in the sense of technical failure, or the even greater feminist success in that wymyn don’t even associate the two. Storks and Cabbage Patches.

    It is reasonable and righteous if a woman does not want children to remain a virgin. Marriage is (or at least was) about the normal, natural, consequences of sex, at least between heterosexuals.

    So those “shes” had sex. And ended up with children. Which they apparently really didn’t want. (And they complain about men and “child support”).

  16. Leap of a Beta

    @ Emma

    While I agree that there are people that shouldn’t have kids, I believe they’re far more in the minority than those that should. Or at least, they were before feminism came around

    As was already mentioned, all of these stories and examples are from single mothers. While I know that there are married mothers with hatred towards children, I want to point something out:

    The fact that a woman can’t find a husband speaks volumes to her inability to foster any kind of genuine warmth and sacrifice towards others.

    The mothers that hate their children but have husbands may or may not have more of that warmth and sacrifice. That or they may simply be better at sacrificing personal happiness for that of social status and image. To the detriment of her children and husband.

  17. Frank

    I suspect some of these children were “accidents”, either in the sense of technical failure…

    Considering what she looks like, are you quite sure the sex ITSELF wasn’t an accident? ;-)

  18. an observer

    Frank,

    Women want ‘choice’, remember. As well as equality, fabulous careers, hunky millionaire gardeners, and a unicorn in every pot.

    And the power of the state is happy to enslave them, too.

  19. Emma the Emo

    Leap of Beta,

    Yes, being a single mom is harder than being a married mom, despite the handouts. So all those issues I mentioned would be exacerbated.

    But I think people who wanted their kids, would never complain that they take up their free time, or are parasites. People who love their kids are glad to give up their time, even if they feel tired and frustrated at times. Even if they didn’t learn how to take care of babies in time, they would make sure to do it once their baby arrives. They give up a lot and know it, but they say it’s rewarding.

  20. Frank

    The fact that a woman can’t find a husband speaks volumes to her inability to foster any kind of genuine warmth and sacrifice towards others.

    This, right here, is what I see all the time. Most single young women I meet are cold, distant, rude, braying, apathetic and self absorbed. And those are just the Christian women!

  21. holyhandgrenadeofantioch

    Someone should report this “WISH YOU WEREN’T A MOM?:” group to the SPLC. WOW- talk about hate groups. What’s even scarier is that these “women” have TOTAL control over the very people they hate. When you wonder what “fate has in-store” for these kids, “success” and “loved by all” aren’t phrases that come up.

  22. an observer

    David Collard would have said the younger version was cute. It reflects the genetic lotto that are a younger womans looks.

    The older pics reflect her actual character. Sour, unhappy and perpetually unfulfilled. Yikes. Poor kids.

  23. an observer

    “those are just the christian women…”

    Sad but true, and an accurate echo of my own experiences.

  24. tz2026

    @Frank. Desperate beta testing?

    Then again, morbid obesity might be the most effective way for women to avoid rape.

  25. sunshinemary Post author

    tz:

    I suspect some of these children were “accidents”, either in the sense of technical failure

    Yes, for some that’s true, but the woman in the UKMail article was married and consented to have children because her husband wanted them.

    Marriage is (or at least was) about the normal, natural, consequences of sex, at least between heterosexuals.

    Yes, I agree. That is why I think artificial birth control is unwise at best and sinful at worst.

  26. RICanuck

    SSM

    What I want to see, (not really), is for Jon, Isabella’s husband in the linked article to get in touch with his feelings. Then he should write an article about what it is like to try to raise children with a reluctant and resentful mother.

    Do you think the daily mail would publish it?

  27. earl

    Yeah women are pretty cold these days. At first I though it was because of my attitude and they just reflected…but even improving that many women still have very little warmth in them.

    Really the only women I find that have any warmth are the elderly ones.

  28. tz2026

    @SSM, thanks for the comment and especially for the link. Many find it hard to believe that anything bad can happen (I’m also worried about vaccines, and vactruth seems to be the hub for that). Government lie? Like when they ignored smoking?

  29. vascularity777

    Me and my son’s mother did things untraditionally. I was my son’s primary care giver when he was a baby and toddler. I quit my full time job and obtained a part time job on Saturdays and Sundays. Monday through Friday I took care of my son. It was an absolutely wonderful experience. The best time of my life. I changed many, many diapers, boiled bottles, looked my son in the eye while feeding him his bottles, and sang and talked to him frequently. I also made him laugh whenever possible. My memories of my son laughing as a baby are some of my most cherished memories. I was fortunate that the health club I attended had the weight room on the second floor with a large window overlooking the childcare room on the first floor. So, inbetween sets of lifting, I would walk to the window and look at my son, then back to the next set.

    We are now divorced and I have joint custody and my son resides with me half of each week. My advice to men in this day and age is to be close to your children as you do not know what tomorrow brings. Your woman might not be part of your permanent life, but your children outta always be a large part of your permanent life. Jesus would agree……

  30. Jeremy

    Honestly, I don’t think it’s so much feminism teaching women that motherhood is worthless. I think it is this unspoken, yet extremely persistent notion that women’s lives should be lives of leisure without sacrifice.

    Men are generally taught from a very early age that if they want to get anywhere, they have to produce and save what they earn. The women in my life who I have met who clearly understand that concept I can count with one hand.

  31. nightskyradio

    holyhandgrenadeofantioch – Someone should report this “WISH YOU WEREN’T A MOM?:” group to the SPLC. WOW- talk about hate groups

    SPLC would love ‘em and make them a poster group for women oppressed by the Child-Dependency Complex.

  32. an observer

    Lives of leisure without sacrifice. Sounds appealing. Pass a law!

    Feminism thrives on spreading pretty little lies. This is just one of them.

    Remember the definition of a man: a net wealth producer. As opposed to the woman: a net wealth consumer.

    Eventually we’ll run out of enough men willing to fund that deal. Maybe a while off.

  33. YouHaveMyPermission

    While it may be linked to feminism, I don’t see the connection as necessary (Occam’s Razor if you prefer).

    It is written that people will grow increasingly selfish, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise what we see today.

    “People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power.”

    I believe this is also a major point concerning the “manosphere” – that you cannot change people or the system. The underlying cause of feminism and every other problem is the problem of sin nature. The focus and the ultimate solution is to bring people to Christ.

    Don’t get me wrong though, Christian blogs like these can be insightful, however any hopes that this world will change for the better are misinformed.

    “My kingdom is not of this world”

  34. Sigyn

    Your blog is back! This makes me happy, since the previous one was such fun to read. You are linked.

    As for this post: At some point, these kids WILL hear from their “mothers” how much they’re resented. Whether it’s with the actual words or just the attitude, they’ll get the impression they’re not wanted or loved, and then they’ll go the way of most kids: totally wild, in a desperate effort to evoke some kind of response from Mommy.

    May God strike out my tongue if I ever say or even THINK such horrible, self-centered thoughts about His Lordship’s children.

  35. Truth Hurts

    “I resented the time my children consumed.”

    Children understand a mother’s resentment, and seek what they never had. Usually, women like the above are single mothers, and their children were denied a father. For the boys, they usually turn to the streets trying to find a substitute for the Father they never had, trying to be what their mother taught them men are – aggressive, violent, and if they are lucky they may learn the error of their ways after a couple of years in juvenile hall, if not, they end up on a slab… Of course girls, tend to look for acceptance in the company of an older man who will give her the acceptance she never had, and be the “Father” she so craved, and she will do ANYTHING for it. So, for that Ladies, I thank you…

  36. Happyhen

    YAY you are back!! Happy happy happy. :)

    Maybe it is feminism but I suspect it is also a very large portion of selfishness and an over estimate of self worth. Not much different than the college girls not willing to settle down and find a good husband when they are at their peak of fertility and beauty. They want to “live it up”, “discover life”, blah blah blah. Any shock the ways girls are raised now with the constant need to reinforce female “self esteem”? These kids are “holding them back” remember? “From what?” is my question. You gals aren’t going to make it into pictures or cure cancer or marry a millionaire. You aren’t that pretty, smart, or desirable. You are average and always were average. I don’t care what your high school guidance counselor or your girlfriends told you. Your greatest accomplishment will be your children. Stop being so stupid.

  37. The Scolds Bridle

    Here is the crux of the problem:

    Right now, women drive the whole culture, and in their ruthless inter-female competition, they have made it almost impossible to be a good wife and mother and still compete as a viable female in our culture.

    In many circles, you now need to be something of a renegade to be dedicated to traditional family life. How can you compete with your “awesome” girlfriends and their endless facebook status whoring about their endlessly exciting lives?

    Women are playing crab-in-the-bucket with each other, and those women who have had abortions, blown up their marriages, and been huge sluts are determined to ensure that other women follow in their footsteps, so that they may feel validated in their own decisions.

    This is why a woman needs to submit to a man. It relieves her of all requirements to meet the expectations and competitive demands of her girl-group.

    [ssm: This is absolutely true. I was thinking something along the same lines yesterday afternoon when I went for a walk; my life isn't endless excitement. It's mostly pleasantly boring - cleaning bathrooms, shuttling kids to and from school or creating lessons for the ones that are homeschooled, making pot roasts, vacuuming...but I'm completely happy. I don't have a thrilling FB page, but I'm content and I wonder about some of my friends in their 40s who are divorced and living through Adolescence Part II.]

  38. Aremo

    Modern western woman has no real problems other than the ones they make for themselves. Hunger, war, want, all eliminated for the most part and the last nasty bits of having to rely a man have also been removed and replaced with either a government check or the government forcing the man into the role of her chattel all for her convenience.

    The environment is so unhealthy, so upside down, and strikingly against what the bible instructs is it any wonder that these women wish they had never reproduced? No matter how much they are given they won’t be happy because ultimately what they really seek is GOD and that was the first thing to go to be replaced by government checks, men being cowed so as not to offend them, affirmative action in case they want to pretend to work, and superiority in the face of law, university admissions, etc. Nature however will provide a tidy solution to all of this it just won’t be desired by feminists who, once again, will seek to be shielded from the natural outcomes of their own terrible choices and demands.

    As the social institutions they rely on for their *cough* “independence” break down you’ll see hunger, famine, and male predation of females (we are already seeing this). They don’t need a “man” to protect them – that’s the job of police (mostly men) and they don’t need a husband because the government gives them food (EBT) and money. Won’t it be interesting when all the things feminists are owed simply collapse under the strain.

  39. Aremo

    As the government becomes more rapacious and usury all the feel good notions of them caring for women will be shattered. I don’t recall many happy females in the former Soviet Union where the men mostly drank themselves to death and the pretty women were treated as brood mares for the elites. Everyone else was a slave constantly watched and in fear 24×7. Any transgression sent them to a gulag where rape was so common as to be routine, all while their fine masters were building a better world…. for the 1/10 of 1 percent. The future ladies! Unicorns extra….

  40. njartist49

    @Sygin,
    “As for this post: At some point, these kids WILL hear from their “mothers” how much they’re resented. Whether it’s with the actual words or just the attitude, they’ll get the impression they’re not wanted or loved….”

    Now come forward forty to fifty years and the grown child has the responsibility to look after the elderly parent: can you imagine what hell it is for him? Even if he is the only Christian in the family: it is a daily mental grinding.

  41. Farm Boy

    When a female becomes a construction zone flag person, she gets “you go grrrllll”; having a baby gets no such response.

    Draw your own conclusions.

  42. BradA

    I am not sure how wide the trend is, but I know of one writer that calls her daughter “spawn”. Pretty sad in my view. She said it would continue when she was challenged on it since her daughter liked it, but I can imagine that it is indicative of this same problem

  43. Farm Boy

    calls her daughter “spawn”

    Will the daughter return to the mom’s bed when the time comes to ‘get it on’?

  44. Farm Boy

    Imagine if the animal kingdom had the pill.

    Moose talking to Moosette, “You mean that I battled all those other bulls, and you’re on the pill”?

  45. Christina

    Some of those are certainly failure of a society for either a) glamourizing motherhood, as one suggested (celebrity and tv mothers?) and b) self-first mentality and c) the stupid single-mom is “ok” schlop.

    But a couple of those are legitimate. The introverted-mom problem doesn’t seem to be something very well addressed when talking about motherhood and caring for your children. This is a real and serious personality conflict and I can see how letting it go ignored and unresolved can create bitterness and regret.

    I am an introvert. I was very used to locking myself up in a book and ignoring the world for some introspective time alone. I don’t get that anymore. I can’t even use the bathroom without having a child bang on the door thinking its their right to be in there with me. I also have to struggle with communicating my need for solitude (in my HOME) with my husband who simply doesn’t understand what the problem is. I love him, but he has a disconnect when it comes to people’s needs.

    Now, I love my children to pieces. I can’t imagine not having brought them into my life. I do not regret them. But this – this is crucial and evidence of my faith and Christ’s life-saving work in me – I have accepted that I must find a balance in my life that gives me the time alone I need but I also need to work to come out of my introversion to be the mother my children need. And God can give me the strength to do that.

    P.S. I’m glad you came back! I was worried you were gone for good.

  46. Christina

    Another problem we have is the “child-centric” parenting – totally forgot about that one! Where the child is the center of the parent’s world, catering to the child’s every whim and being told this is “good” parenting. We are supposed to be teaching these children how to live in the world. Which means boundaries and learning to be considerate of others.

    When you don’t give children boundaries or teach them to be considerate of others, its going to create an unbalanced response in the parent.

  47. Natalie

    I do sort of agree with Christina here. Although I’m not so much of an introvert, we’re expecting our first child, and the sheer enormity of what I’ve been handed absolutely overwhelms me at times. Those selfish women joking in the cafeteria about not wanting to get pregnant because their bodies will go to wrack and ruin? Yeah, they’re incredible selfish, but there’s this tiny grain of truth in it. The test came back positive, and suddenly I’m strapped into this nine month roller coaster. No one asked if I was ready. There are no breaks to get my balance. It’s honestly kind of scary. Now, I’m incredibly grateful and blessed to be in this position. My husband and I have wanted kids for years.

    I guess I just want to know that there’s support for women who want to be good moms and still get tired/frustrated/touched out/etc. I know I’ll need encouragement and practical advice on loving my kids. However, I hope that advice will come from people who don’t stomp on me when I’m barely keeping my temper and am thinking longingly of an afternoon by myself reading instead of swatting the toddler for the fiftieth time and trying to settle a teething infant.

  48. Hyperion

    I think feminism has helped create such a massive entitlement complex that women now resent EVERYTHING that takes time or effort, or isn’t for them or about them.

    At one of the places I worked, a pregnant female co-worker let it be known that after she had her baby she was leaving it with her husband and taking off to the Caribbean for a week’s rest.

    In other words, for the first time in her life she was being called on to do something that she COULDN’T pawn off on someone else, and that was unfair. So someone must make it up to her.

    I’m sure that selfish outlook would help make her an excellent mother if she ever returned from her post-partum whoring in the Caribbean. (Whoops! Who put that new baby in me!)

    Now, contrast that to the expectations people had back in her grandmother’s day. I can’t imagine anyone’s grandmother making “demands” for having a kid. The grandmother was surely grateful for any help she got from her friends and family.

    Gratitude murdered by entitlement – another legacy of feminism.

  49. an observer

    A week in the caribbean immediately post partum, sans child. That is indeed special.

    Perhaps a one-way ticket would be appropriate.

  50. Frank

    Christina, Natalie:

    I’m an introvert as well, so I know where you’re coming from. I definitely need my space, and children would make that extremely difficult. I think it’s something you need to be open and honest with your husbands and close family/relatives about. In the end you’re only human, and there’s going to times you’ll be crawling the walls. But if you’re amongst friends and family who KNOW you, and know any frustration you face is a matter of stress and not because you disdain your kids, they will understand and support you however they can. I think ultimately we can discern the difference between a stressed out mother who loves her kids and one who’s loathed them since birth (but try to hide it.)

    BTW, as introverts we have to be prepared to sacrifice our quiet space for a time. I’ll give you an example that might help you feel better. At one time I was evicted with my family onto the streets and we were forced to live in a motel for a long time. NO PRIVACY WHATSOEVER. Complete hell for an introvert, and while I was ANGRY over the lack of space I had to myself, it didn’t mean I hated my family. I stayed so we could survive together as a family, despite the sacrifice of not having my own space or time to myself. It was hard, but in the end, it taught me a little about sacrifice and how to support family through good times and bad, and I’d like to think it’s made me a somewhat better person too.

    As women, you’re always so ruled by emotions, but the important thing is not about what you feel, but what you actually do.

    You see why it’s so important to have us manly men in your lives? ;)

  51. Natalie

    I agree. My husband is pretty awesome. I broke down crying the other day because, after someone mentioned what she wished she’d known about that first night at home, I did a little googling and got seriously overwhelmed. I mean, you hear about labor, but there’s a limit as to how long that can last. Reading about weeks of being sleep deprived, sore almost everywhere and having to take care of a tiny person…….probably should have skipped that part for now. However, my husband told that even though I have to be brave and suck it up for labor I’m allowed a few days afterwards to just be sore, tired mess. He’s got paternity leave, and he and his mom (whom I cannot praise highly enough) will take care of everything else. I can just feed the baby and sleep. Sometimes it helps to know that you don’t have to wear your brave face all the time. Just most of the time.

    Now if I can just get through the chubby phase I’ll be set until the tired and ready to pop phase :) I actually lost a little weight the first trimester, but you won’t know it to look at me!

  52. sunshinemary Post author

    Uh oh, Natalie, you are now experiencing what every first time mother experiences – The Horror Stories.

    I don’t know why women feel the need to do this to each other, but suddenly you will notice that women are coming out of the woodwork to tell you their dreadful pregnancy stories (“So I had a coughing fit while out for a walk, which tripped my gag reflex, causing me to throw up in the gutter while the force of my retching caused me to pee in my pants a little!”), or about the horrible thing that happened to their vagina during childbirth (“And I ripped from front to back and now sex is excruciatingly painful!”), or the time their baby got colic (“And she didn’t sleep for one whole month!”). Take these stories with a grain of salt and don’t let them get you too freaked out.

    You’ll be okay, and you’ll do yourself a disservice if you read or listen to too much of this kind of thing because it will worry you. Line up some support ahead of time – my MIL stayed with me for the first week, my mother stayed with me for the second week, and my sister stayed with me for the third week after the birth of our first child. If you can line up something like that, you’ll be good to go.

    Also, if you are going to breastfeed, you might want to set up some support for that ahead of time; La Leche League can be a good resource, but they are very, very devout in their beliefs, so don’t feel like you have to follow everything they say to the letter.

  53. an observer

    The horror stories are part of building team woman into the eternal victim, in need of special support.

    They are also highly manipulative, competitive and cruel. And they continue for ever.

    After bub is born, the harridans dont stop. Now it takes the form of taunts. Your child wont sleep through. He/she should be eating/drinking/taller/fatter/rolling over/walking/curing cancer by now.

    Ugh.

  54. anonymous

    What is also amazing is that these womyn have no compunction whatsoever about openly proclaiming their loathing for their own children

    Yes, and barring an EMP wipeout, those articles will still be there 10 years from now, when those kids are adolescents and old enough to surf the net….. and google mommy’s name out of curiosity.

  55. mackPUA

    SSM also needs to mention these forums are made by carousel riders, who’ve banged so many guys, they have zero ability to bond with anyone … even their own children

    Proving none-virginal women are 2nd hand goods … none virginal women are biologically basically useless for marriage or children

  56. an observer

    Thats an interesting idea about sluttery killing capacity to love your children.

    Its a logical extension of putting herself first that eventually, no-one else can matter.

    Profound.

  57. sunshinemary Post author

    SSM also needs to mention these forums are made by carousel riders, who’ve banged so many guys, they have zero ability to bond with anyone … even their own children Proving none-virginal women are 2nd hand goods … none virginal women are biologically basically useless for marriage or children

    mackPUA, that is a very interesting idea. I need to consider that further.

  58. Stingray

    Natalie,

    The sleep part is hard, but as long as you accept it going in, it won’t be so bad. Try to keep this in mind. A newborn grows so incredibly fast and they are that small helpless for only a very short time. Enjoy. Every. Single. Minute. Do not let yourself get overwhelmed with the little stuff because you will miss it. Sleep when the baby sleeps and hold her as much as possible while you can. Everything else will fall into place, but those first few weeks go by very fast. Soak them up.

  59. mackPUA

    lol I mentioned that over at Dalrocks, doesnt anyone read my posts over there? … lol

    http://dalrock.wordpress.com/2013/04/15/lovestruck/#comment-79350

    “The optimal state of serial monogamy, is a virginal bride”

    You could also argue, the optimal state of bonding with a child is as a virgin

    “A woman expresses millions of years of evolution, when a virgin bonds with a husband for life” & her child

    A virgin is the optimal state for a woman to bond with her child, which is why virginal marriage is so important

    This is also why men want virginal women, they want the purity of the bond of a virginal woman for their children

    All these women sleeping around, when they could be experiencing the purity of their biochemistry to bond with their child for the first time …

  60. Pingback: Lightning Round – 2013/04/17 | Free Northerner

  61. Phalini

    When did women forget that motherhood is a sacrifice to be performed for the pleasure and service of God? Life is meant for sacrifice. Marriage and parenting are necessary sacrifices that purify the soul and help us come closer to God. When we forget that loving service to God in a mood of sacrifice is essential to human life, we forget our native, natural emotions of loving sacrifice toward our children who are (often challenging) little blessings from God.

  62. Catey71

    I cannot understand all these sanctimonious, judgemental comments from everybody. I love my children more than the world and dedicate myself to them, but I have days I feel so drained that I resent having been turned from a valued, contributing member of society to a 24/7 cook, taxi driver and cleaning lady. Why are you all condemning these women for being brave enough to admit their true feelings ? How is it that men can laugh about escaping to work and being freaked out at parental responsibilities and yet these women get canned ? They are all saying that they LOVE their children but struggle with resentment of the chores and lifetime commitment. For a woman to get online and say she struggles means she is crying out for help. For heaven’s sake, it’s not a women’s lib thing ! Did a man perpetuate that idea ? My great aunt walked out on her husband, four children and a farm back in 1912 because she couldn’t cope with being a mother and she stayed single for the rest of her life and plodded along as a seamstress on the mainland rather than face motherhood. I’m not advocating that, but my point is that just because you are female does not automatically equip you with a God given natural affinity for raising a family.

  63. mimi86uk

    This isn’t a new thing, or a feminism thing.

    My grandmother on both sides, hated motherhood, and openly said so. My grandma on my fathers side, abandoned him and and my grandpa when he was 3 years old, she wasn’t much of a mother to her other children when she remarried, she said her sons were too ugly to love. My grandma on my mothers side, beat her kids relentlessly for having the audacity to exist. This all happened in the 60’s.

    My boyfriends grandmother never hit, but used scream at her children on a daily basis.
    His father is slightly scarred to this day because his grandma used to say during every argument with his grandpa how she never wanted them, while he was growing up.

    On his mother side, his grandma was OK but id hear his family members say how the children that resembled the grandfather, the grandmother would slap, curse and resented and the children who looked like her she showered with love and affection.

    When I hear my elders talk about their childhood, it makes me realize that everyone has a story. Yet it was something as a child you just got on with.

    I think many people look at they’re loving patient submissive grandmas at 60 and assume they re were the same way at 20. Both my grandmas were very loving ‘GRANDMOTHERS’ but from my parents testimonies not so loving Mothers.

  64. mimi86uk

    Most of my friends who have babies are happy, they love them relentlessly and adore the hours spent and dedicated to being a mother because they just enjoy their children.

    Some women such as myself dont feel the same way, hence I’m conscious not to have children. Not for the sake of a high flying career, or to see the world, i just dont enjoy children, its not so much cleaning poop or bed time stories, its just the constant company of people/children make my skin crawl.

    Ive always been a loner, even when i lived with family i preferred my own company rather than to sit with brothers or sisters. If i was made to sit among family or groups of people for extended amounts of time I’d constantly feel uncomfortable and suffocated.

    Even in relationships, I’m the same way, it not because i want to write a novel, or contemplate the world, i just hate the constant company of people. I cant breath!

    Call me strange, call me introvert but it doesn’t change the facts, its truth. Being that children have no understanding of personal space, I’d struggle if i was a mother.
    I dont think any of these women are feminist, i just think they’re the small percentage of women who shouldn’t of had children.

  65. deti

    Catey:

    First, fathers and husbands do not “escape” to work. We carry more on our shoulders than you can possibly imagine. But, then, it’s really all about you, isn’t it?

    Perhaps you should have thought about whether you wanted to be a cook, taxi driver and cleaning lady BEFORE you had kids. All that and more comes with the territory.

    If you didn’t want them, you shouldn’t have had them.

  66. deti

    mimi:

    you sound like you come from a charming family — NOT.

    Good on you for figuring out you didn’t want children, and then taking steps and precautions not to have them.

    As you can tell, the OP was directed at mothers who were not as forward thinking and as introspective as you are.

    By all means, Mimi, get your tubes tied and do not spawn.

  67. Black Eyed Peat

    You know, I have a cousin who was always afraid of bearing children because the way it was always portrayed on TV and in movies is a very painful, traumatizing experience.

    The woman in a cold, drab, sterile hospital room on her back with her legs propped open and strange looking, masked people between her legs and everyone yelling “PUSH!!!” as she winces and screams in agony. The whole thing looked very dangerous and like torture to her.

    This colored her perception for many years.

    Then she witnessed my sisters unassisted home water birth in the tub with soft music playing in the background, candles burning, windows open for fresh air, and an overall pleasant, inviting, beautiful and peaceful environment with family members around to massage her and welcome the baby and she got SO PISSED at the way pregnancy and child birth had been portrayed all these years.

  68. Amanda Lynn Larson

    Re: Birth control and whether it’s ‘evil’ or not- There are women that cannot safely have kids due to being on medication for things like epilepsy, that have major mental illness (schizophrenia), or otherwise have very real reasons for wanting access to birth control.

    Women that have had severe or dangerous postpartum depression might also consider birth control for safety reasons.

  69. Black Eyed Peat

    ” Birth control and whether it’s ‘evil’ or not”

    Some method of bc, whether a condom, or scheduling sex around infertile periods and “pulling out” definitely needs to be used by married couples who cannot afford kids at the time or more kids than they already have. Another poster here “Cheryl Lynn” said she and her husband keeps having kids they can’t afford because they are God’s blessings and they take government assitence when they need it.

    Well, that’s my tax dollars.

    I don’t think that’s right at all.

    Either practice celibacy and self control for a while or wrap that thing up!

  70. an observer

    but my point is that just because you are male does not automatically equip you with a God given natural affinity for being an unappreciated wageslave.

    FIFY

  71. BradA

    Are not all these people who don’t get over their own securities not forcing their own old age care on others? Or are they planning for the Smith & Wesson retirement I have heard some mention?

  72. Noname

    So far, I am only part-way down your comments section and am quite impressed with the sexism and chauvinism rampant therein. I myself am a Christian, yet unlike most Christians I meet, I am egalitarian. I believe in loving families but not by any means in female submission. Neither do I believe that all women are either cut out for or should become cut out for, if they are not, childrearing. I’ve known women who were not and I’ve known men who made much more loving and devoted fathers than their wives, such that the couple chose that the husband would be the one to spend more time in raising his children and operating his business out of their home while his wife went on with her career outside of the home. I’ve met the Christian children of such relationships and they turned out just fine while totally aware of gender equality as well from these examples.

    My mother was a single parent and raised me alone away from our own equally developed birth country. And no, she was not an immoral person who had made bad choices: she is and was a very spiritual Christian woman of high standards whose husband, my father, a church minister and theologian, had passed away when I was small. She had enormous responsibilities and financial difficulties raising me alone, and this also interrupted some of her own studies and life goals since she is a very intelligent and gifted person. Because of how my father had also hurt her, she was often angry at how her experience with him and being left with me damaged part of her life. I googled this article in search of something pertaining to her situation, since her bitterness has hurt me, but I find myself only quite angry with your extreme lack of understanding of female single parents and quite sympathetic towards my mother and others like her. My mother was by no means selfish. She did make a mistake with my father, but he was a Christian minister and a very educated man so how was she to know as an innocent Christian woman, and she certainly did marry him a couple of years before I was born. And she took her responsibility when left with me very seriously and did the best for us that she could.

    Women are generally more mature than men, and studies have shown they also tend to be more intelligent than them. Yet women get attached easily and they make mistakes, particularly when they are younger. These mistakes might prevent them from going on to achieve careers they had originally aimed for which would have made them much more than lower class. They do not need men to bring sense into their situations. In some of these cases it was certain men in their lives who lacked sense, got them pregnant (it takes two to tango, and in my experience it is usually the man doing the pushing and manipulating, not the woman; luckily for me I am not easily pushed or manipulated) and then left them to it without taking their share of the financial and emotional responsibility, since, after all, they were the women and it was “their job” to deal with it, pain, stress, exhaustion and all. How dare one male commenter say that the situation needs a man to calm things down and make things more rational? The men involved with them were the irrational ones for just wanting to have some fun with these young women who are more vulnerable to getting attached or being persuaded into things than men are.

    I myself am not speaking out of any bitterness or personal bad experience. I’m not bitter about my mother, my toddler’s memories of my father are all good ones and I am proud of his many positive assets, some of which I’ve inherited. I am not yet married since I’ve not found the right one yet, but this actually gave me the freedom (even though it was not my choice since I’d thought as an attractive person I’d be married by now) to travel and educate myself very extensively and to do other very interesting things with my life. I’ve also had many men interested in me, many who turned out to be a bit immature so it was lucky that I did not end up with them. Also, as a Christian, I have boundaries which I do not cross. I’m a happy person in my daily life who gets along easily with most people and makes friends easily. But I’m quite dismayed and insulted for all women that you should express yourselves in such a way. I’m happy that some men did speak up and sympathize with what women go through with child rearing and state that men should do their share. It is not sin for a woman to admit to feelings of frustration in her attempt to work through them and deal with them. Although I want to marry, I may never have children, but that is fine since despite being a loving person, I believe I am not cut out for it and resent the supposition that I should be simply because I am female (I had originally thought that I would have them but now I probably may not). This is not selfishness, it is self knowledge. Some of us are indeed more cut out for academics, professional career, or even a non-academically trained but more unique lifestyle. Not to mention that the world is already overpopulated. Some of us in fact have brains that we feel God wants us to contribute towards society, not just bodies as vehicles to help men have children.

    About feminism being selfish, this is one the most disgusting things I have ever heard. Feminism is the movement by which women have achieved some equality with men and had happier and fuller lives. It is not only men who should realize themselves, it is also women who are human beings equally created by God. No man has the right to take away a woman’s or anyone else’s freedom given her by God. In the process of this transition, some women have come to realize what they have been going through and thus more freely vent their frustrations online and elsewhere. Unfortunately for you, this is part of the transition in a society which now promotes greater quality of life for everyone who was previously marginalized. As Western men, you did not suffer this marginalization so most of you can’t possibly imagine it either.

    It is such fundamentalist and narrow minded attitudes that are driving many Westerners away from Christianity and into agnosticism, atheism, or alternate or New Age religions. Lovingness means not forcing women into stereotyped roles if they do not belong there. This is what can cause unhappiness in families. I’ve seen in fact some Christian (and otherwise) families where women were expected to be “submissive” which were nothing but abusive. That is also harmful to children.

    Christianity’s original purpose was not about controlling others but about caring for one another. It was first created 2000 years ago during the Hellenistic regions of the Roman Empire, yet for its time it was in fact egalitarian and promoted fairness. Being bogged down on distorted rules just as the Sadducees who irked and enraged Jesus were back then, you are losing sight of the true purpose of Jesus’ teachings. And in this way, you are turning off these Western cultures, for which you need to be ashamed. But some of you may be so narrow you may not even understand what I am trying to say.

  73. BradA

    Men and women are equal, except that women are a little more equal, per Noname. Right.

    And exactly who is the one inconsistent with Scripture here?

  74. theshadowedknight

    Noname, you know not of what you speak. I pity you in your ignorance. One cannot be egalitarian and Christian. It is a falsehood that proves pernicious in its ability to seduce the minds of women to fell purposes. Men are stronger, faster, larger, and smarter than women. Women cannot compete with men on men’s terms, but women are necessary for our works to mean anything. The Lord, God, said that man alone was not a good thing. By seeking to become men, women remove that with which God imbued in them to help men. You are betraying your Lord, and abandoning your counterpart.

    A poster named Amanda came here a week or two past, and I destroyed her arguments point by point, while many others on this blog helped her see the truth. Read our conversations, and learn. Having done it once, her shattered illusions stand as proof of our words. We do not care if you do not approve. You can agree and be helped, or argue and be crushed or ignored. Obedience to the Lord, or rebellion? You must pick one.

    The Shadowed Knight

  75. Sarah's Daughter

    Although I want to marry, I may never have children

    Good, good.

    Christianity’s original purpose was not about controlling others but about caring for one another.

    Hilarious!
    Forget about that eternal life with God stuff…

  76. Frank

    I’ve met the Christian children of such relationships and they turned out just fine while totally aware of gender equality….

    and…

    Women are generally more mature than men, and studies have shown they also tend to be more intelligent than them

    One of these sentences is not like the other…

  77. lisa

    My mother was selfish.,How because she gavr birth to me. Yes abused and neglected me even told me that I was not planned and interferred with her life. She should have aborted me. I had four kids with my ex . I gave them everything i think yo compensate how i was treated.,Now except for one kid they use me i have been cursed out called named etc. yes i wish i never had kids nor been born ive been double slapped

    [ssm: I am sorry for your hardships. I have prayed for God's peace and comfort to be upon you.]

  78. molly94

    My God what is this obsession with motherhood people? Yeah ok, it is a lovin act eccetera eccetera butvwhat about one’s life? People who call this women selfish should think for a while:isn’t it even more selfish to assume thqt a human being SHOULD or MUST be happily willing to give up ALL his Freedom and free time, andlook to ra7se some spoiled irritat7ng kid who will, probably aoso socially isolate you ( because obviously parents are known for the intense sovial life rhey have. ) isn’t IT selfish? Dear men obsessed with this motherhood stuff, also being a father who nurtures his offspring and takes care of it rapresents a good example of loving oerson able to dedicate himself to HIS children!! Oh, it’s just that we must train man to be more loving , otherwise they wont be caring enough!

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