Months ago I received an email from another female blogger who was concerned about one of her daughters marrying a man who had had previous sexual partners. She said that the young man had repented of the sin of fornication and was living a godly life. This female blogger and her husband are devout Christians and had raised all their children, both males and females, to maintain their chastity before marriage. Their other daughters had married men who were chaste and their sons had maintained their chastity, so they were deeply concerned about their daughter’s marriage to this young man who had not been chaste.
There is an idea that pre-marital sexual activity is more damaging to women than it is to men, and I agree with this idea. Women can easily become alpha widows after even one previous partner, whereas one or two previous partners probably isn’t going to be nearly as psychologically damaging to a man. Of course, if he caught an STI or his fornication resulted in the out-of-wedlock birth of a child, then his sexual activity actually was quite damaging, but still I think women, even those with low Ns, are more messed up by fornication than men are.
Having said all that, I believe that there is a male analogue to the Alpha Widow, and that it applies whether the man is a Christian or an atheist. Whereas a woman’s brain can imprint upon the most dominant man she has ever been with and make it extremely difficult for her to bond to her future husband, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that men who engage in heavy promiscuity before marriage must somehow imprint on the chasing of novel sexual partners and are at a much increased risk of being unable to bond to monogamy.
Although it probably isn’t true for every single man, I’m noticing more examples of this. I will only list a few examples from comments men have left on my blog, but I could list more:
I don’t want to live in sin by being a man whore outside of marriage (my past). [But] I truly feel like a caged zoo animal that once knew what it was like to run among the prairie and hunt small game. What a precarious situation to be in.
I was married for 3 years (and together for 4.5), post-Red Pill, to a helluva woman. Game came easily in the marriage, in part because I selected a woman who was game “friendly” shall we say. We got along great.
Yet being in my mid-30s, after (I felt) the relationship had run its course, I realized I missed plate-spinning. I could not in good faith reconcile it with my marriage to my wife. I ended the marriage, and although she was heartbroken, we ended it mutually and honorably and with no ill will…It may sound twisted, but I’m proud of how I handled it …In short, I enjoyed the “comforts” of marriage, but missed the adventures of the single life.
Example 3: My husband. He was quite promiscuous before marriage and committed adultery a number of times over the first thirteen years of our marriage. He is a serious Christian now and strives to avoid sexual sin, but I know that despite enjoying regular sex with his wife, it is nevertheless difficult for him to live monogamously. The temptation is always there.
Of course, almost all women like alphas and almost all men are somewhat aroused by the idea of a novel female sex partner, but those women who actually had sexual relations with an alpha and those men who spent a number of years chasing after (and often catching) numerous women seem to be at an increased risk of being unable to bond properly in their marriages.
Just as I would counsel a man to be very, very careful about marrying a woman who has had previous sex partners, so too would I counsel a woman to be very, very careful about marrying a man with a high sex partner count. Alpha Widows and Promiscuity Widowers make poor marriage partners.
Edit 1: Please see this comment below for some of the biological mechanisms at work. The desire for novel mates has a name: the Coolidge effect.
Edit 2: Please see another comment below for some data about the correlation between number of sexual partners and likelihood of cheating on one’s spouse.