I did not hunt and kill the turkey that we shall eat tomorrow, but if I had, I should like to think I would have dressed exactly like Miss Monroe. That’s how it happens in my imagination, anyway…I’m tripping along in my high heels with a big ole’ gun when suddenly! – my husband, who in the fantasy I have never seen before, dressed in breeches (but shirtless, natch) steps menacingly out of the shadows and…oh, wait a minute. Sorry! Rape, oops I mean ravishment fantasies (not rape-rape you know, but the fun kind like they have on college campuses) have already been covered here. Now where was I?
Oh yes, pie crust!
You see, there was a time when, if my life were Anime, then Pie Crust would have been my evil nemesis. But I have conquered my lardy foe, sisters, and now I shall help you do the same. And the first thing you need to notice is my use of the adjective lardy. I am not using it in the pejorative sense of fat but rather in the literal sense of containing actual lard.
Perhaps some readers are thinking, But Sunshine Mary, I think I heard – maybe on Oprah – that animal fat will make your heart explode. Fear not, sisters! Like the phrases Islam is peace! and Women make great engineers!, so also Animal fat will give you heart disease! is a lie. Remember how back in the 1990s experts assured us we were being virtuous for eating margarine instead of butter and using vegetable shortening instead of lard? Whoopsie daisy, they got that switched around there - it turns out the natural fats our grandmothers used, and not the weird processed chemical fats, were actually the healthier ones.
So naturally, when you go to make your pumpkin and apple pies today for Thanksgiving, you’ll reach for the lard. Let’s reach for it together, shall we?
I’ve tried several different lard pie crust recipes, and this one is by far my favorite.
- 4 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 teaspoon baking powder
- 2 teaspoons salt
- 1 2/3 cups lard
- 1/2 cup water
- 1 egg, beaten
- 1 tablespoon distilled white vinegar
3. Cut in lard until mixture resembles coarse meal. I recommend using a pastry cutter like the one I have; it’s much quicker and easier.
4. In a small bowl, mix together water, egg, and vinegar.
5. Pour into lard mixture and stir until dough is thoroughly moistened and forms a ball. Divide into 4 portions (if you like a thicker crust, I recommend only dividing the dough into three portions instead of four) and wrap tightly. Use dough within three days or freeze.
6. To assemble pie crust, roll out one of the balls of dough on a floured surface.
7. Roll the dough up around your rolling pin, and then unroll it into your pie plate. Crimp or not as desired.
Now, I’m responsible for the pumpkin and apple pies, but my girls make a dessert every year, too. I want to encourage some independence in them, so I try to pick baking projects that they can do on their own. Also, I’m lazy and would rather paint my toenails and blog than help them in the kitchen. To that end, here is a very fun and easy (but highly unhealthy) baking project for your daughters: Chocolate Turkey Cupcakes. It’s so easy, you can just hand your laptop to the kids right now and let them follow the recipe themselves.
*Children, begin reading here.*
1. Bake a batch of cupcakes. Go ahead and use a box mix. I won’t tell. You’ll need the following stuff to decorate them: 24 small peanut butter cups, a large can of whipped chocolate frosting, chocolate springs, strawberry fruit roll ups, candy corn, vanilla chips, and black decorating gel.
2. Frost the cupcake.
3. Stick a peanut butter cup slightly off to one side. Sneak another peanut butter cup into your pocket for later. Probably you’ll forget it’s there, and it will take a ride through the washing machine and leave a big brown stain on your mom’s favorite blouse, but don’t worry about that now.
4. Glob frosting all over the peanut butter cup. Lick frosting off the knife. Poke your frosting-covered finger in one of your sisters’ ears. Yell for Mom when she hits you.
5. Sprinkle liberally with chocolate sprinkles. Did you know dogs like them, too? If your dog is a Good Dog, why not give a little shake over the end of the table?? Your mom’s face is buried in her iPAD reading my blog anyway, so she’ll never know.
6. Now put on two vanilla chips for eyes and put a little dot of black decorator gel for the pupil. Will anyone notice if you suck on the end of the decorator gel tube? I think not! Mmm. Sugar.
7. Now for the candy corn beak and tail feathers. You’re almost done!
8. Finish by making him a wattle. Cut a piece of fruit roll up into a triangle and stick it under his beak. Hey, you made a Turkey Cupcake! And don’t worry – as cute as these look, they taste awful to grown-ups, so you won’t have to share these babies! Hooray!
* Children stop reading here.*
Now that you’ve got your laptop or iDevice back and we have attended to our domestic duties, ladies, let us fortify our minds with some bracing political writing. Personally I shudder whenever politics comes up at the Thanksgiving table. No doubt I would enjoy such a discussion if around the table were seated my readers, but alas, many of my kin, love them though I do, are liberal democrats, excepting my father who has never to my knowledge voted in his lifetime. In any event, should politics happen to come up at your table, here are my reading recommendations from the past several weeks which may be worthy of discussion:
1. Zippy defines liberalism:
Liberalism is the political doctrine that securing individual freedom and equal rights is the primary legitimate purpose of government [...]
But who, then, are the authentic representatives of liberal doctrine? In fact there is no authentic conception of liberalism, because liberalism is incoherent. An authentic conception of liberalism does not exist: it is impossible in principle. Government by its very essence is a discriminating authority which initiates force to support a particular conception of the good. That’s what government is. A concept of government with the primary purpose of preventing authoritative discrimination is therefore self-contradictory.
2. I think what Cane Caldo is saying is that conservatives need to remember Benjamin Franklin’s advice and get better at hanging together, lest they all hang separately.
The problem isn’t that sometimes men get knocked down; it’s that conservatives don’t want to make it their business to help those men back up; not even those who are repentant. They offer nothing but wishes.
3. Jim explains the history of the left:
Similarly, with the emancipation of women, they really had to ditch Christianity and started doing so, for while the New Testament is mildly disapproving of slavery, it endorses stern patriarchy in no uncertain terms, and thus, with women’s suffrage, we begin to see the familiar anti Christian modern left, though it was only in the 1940s or so that large numbers of Jews were permitted to join the modern American left.
Tracing the English speaking left all the way back to Browneism, we see continuity of personnel and ideology, the ideology slowly changing from Puritan Christianity to Unitarian Universalism to modern leftism, but changing slowly and continuously without any abrupt change, though over time every detail of the ideology changed, except for the war on Christmas, desecration of marriage, and the emancipation of women, which remained the whole time, even though sometimes justified by the argument that Christmas was too pagan, and at other times justified by the argument that Christmas was not pagan enough, and sometimes, strangely, both arguments simultaneously, while the desecration of marriage never got an explanation, for they never admitted that that was what they were doing, nor did the emancipation of women for as long as they thought themselves Christian, for Paul unambiguously tells the Church to socially enforce male authority over women.
4. The MSM has become aware that there is dissent within the labor camp. Will they be able to crush it? Geeks for Monarchy: The Rise of the Neoreactionaries:
Many of us yearn for a return to one golden age or another. But there’s a community of bloggers taking the idea to an extreme: they want to turn the dial way back to the days before the French Revolution.
Neoreactionaries believe that while technology and capitalism have advanced humanity over the past couple centuries, democracy has actually done more harm than good. They propose a return to old-fashioned gender roles, social order and monarchy.
5. Mr. Amos and Gromar thinks they won’t: Tech Crunch: how not to contain neoreaction:
Here’s the sentiment of the article: White males. Didn’t you hear? We’ve been telling you for years in diversity training seminars that you have privilege, which obviously means that you can never be disadvantaged, no matter how much downward force we apply to you. You’ve adopted what we call a victim complex. That’s wrong. You need to take the lumps we give you, because you deserve them. After all, you’re white, you’re male. You did nothing to earn that. Hold still. Stop squirming. Wait there while we decide what to do with you.
But he adds this hopeful bit:
It’s certainly the case–from their perspective–that more utility would be generated by not covering neoreaction, since let’s face it, no matter what sort of coverage we get, we’ll get more converts. That’s just a fact. We won’t lose people, we’ll gain people.
6. Bryce LaLiberte at AnarchoPapist explains How to Look at the World Like a Neoreactionary, Part 1:
A neoreactionary is aware how far outside the mainstream he stands. He has ceased to participate in politics the way the average man does. You won’t persuade him by calling him a racist, a sexist, unenlightened, or uneducated. In fact, were you to do so, the neoreactionary will point out that this behavior is exactly a case in point; it never has the effect of persuading the accused, but serves to consolidate the opinion of the audience. The hit piece is an ancestor of tribal ostracism. And the neoreactionary probably wears the accusation as a badge of honor, besides.
7. As a former libertarian, Kristor’s essay, The King’s Liberty, made me feel all warm and cozy inside, like a thimbleful of political Bailey’s Irish Cream:
There is nothing complicated about subsidiarity. The sagacious king understands that the less he does to interfere with the people, the greater his revenues will be. In any other system than monarchy, the competition among the oligarchs – who are always with us – for state revenues will push taxes and regulations ever higher, impoverishing and depraving the people.
The satisfaction of the libertarian impulse, then, can lie only in the repudiation of libertarianism. Only if the King has unchallengeable authority to let go, or not, will there be any definite letting go.
8. And finally, round out your reading at Radish Magazine: Democracy and the Intellectuals:
I invite the reader to consider the “key democratic principle” of “a judicial system that treats everyone the same way” in light of the so-called disparate impact ruling. I further invite you to consider the notion of “a media that is free from government censorship” in light of Walter Lippmann’s observation that a democratic state is guided by public opinion, and public opinion is guided in large part by journalists, which makes the press an informal branch of the government. (And who would censor themselves?) As for “fair elections with at least two political parties,” I refer you to, say, the People’s Republic of Poland and the German Democratic Republic, where you really could vote for whoever you liked, for all the good that did you.
Did I miss your favorite essay, article, or blog post? Tell me about it in the comments. And with that…
I wish all my readers a very Happy Thanksgiving!
(All recipe photos are the property of sunshinemaryandthedragon.wordpress.com and may only be reproduced with permission.)