Do you know whom you may wish to leave off your guest list for your upcoming holiday gathering? Feminists, that’s who.
But if blood be thicker than water, and I believe it is, you will possibly have to invite a few of your maladjusted killjoy feminist relatives over for eggnog in the coming month. What should I expect from my maladjusted killjoy feminist relatives, Sunshine Mary, you may be wondering. Nothing good, I’m afraid, dear reader.
As our primary source for our view into the inner workings of the feminist mind during the holidays, we shall be using The Feministing Guide to Surviving the Holidays, written by Feministing editor Alexandra Brodsky.
Your maladjusted feminist killjoy relative is probably:
The holidays are a glorious time of shiny baubles and delicious food and sepia memories — unless, of course, your life is even a tiny bit complicated, in which case there’s a 97% chance that the mere idea of the next month of celebrations makes you want never, ever to get out of bed…
(Note: Internet advice is great, but sometimes it isn’t enough. If you need immediate help, I urge you to call into a hotline rather than turn to my WordPress-constructed guide.)
My goodness, when I give out holiday advice, it usually has to do with pie crust recipes; when feminists do it, it involves suicide hotline numbers. What can we conclude from this, boys and girls?
2. Lonely and socially-rejected:
No one invites feminists over. I wonder why? Oh well, in lieu of an invitation, perhaps send your maladjusted killjoy feminist relative a fruit basket and a case of catfood.
3. Worse than your cousin with Asperger’s Syndrome at determining what would be an appropriate topic of conversation:
If you’ve got plans and are worried about dinner table political debates…
…and you couldn’t be paid to utter the words “health care” around your family, Jill Filipovic has some suggestions for dodging heated conversations.
…and you want to finally convince your bigoted cousin that he’s wrong, then may the force be with you! Sometimes you’ve got to stand up for your beliefs and embrace the awkwardness. If the conflict falls along traditional party lines, check out the Dem’s guide to arguing with your Republican uncle. RH Reality Check published a great Planned Parenthood break-down of how to talk about repro justice over turkey (or tofurkey), including some sample answers to common questions.
You can also use your family’s own traditions against them by pointing out the feminist messages within their cherished holiday stories.
For a family insensitive — or downright hostile — to indigenous rights and history, bring along one of these children’s books. Pass it off to a relative to read to a little niece or nephew and educate two generations at once. You can also use a video to start a conversation, on your own terms, about the bloody history of colonialism and genocide erased by the cheery Thanksgiving story.
Mmm. Awkward conversations about abortion, sorry, I mean repro justice? Creepy books aimed at indoctrinating children into liberal ideology? Feminist messages in the Christmas story about the birth of Our Lord? Were blood not thicker than water, would anyone ever invite a feminist over for the holidays again? I think not!
4. Likely to complain about being asked to help with the dishes:
If your family’s gendered expectations of kitchen duties make your blood boil…
…stand up for yourself. Help out preparing the meal or cleaning up because it’s the nice thing for anyone of any gender to do, but, as this feminist Thanksgiving guide insists, tell your uncle to get off his butt and help, too.
Nevermind that the menfolk probably earned the majority of the money that paid for the celebration; get those man-bitches into the kitchen, pronto! The Revolution depends upon it, saith the maladjusted feminist killjoy relative with the boiling blood.
5. On the verge of having a nervous breakdown:
If you’re anxious about travel…
… you have options. Check out this guide if you’re traveling while trans. If you need special accommodations, check out these tips on air travel and other forms of transportation. xoJane has a good list of coping mechanisms for travel anxiety, and you can of course always call into a hotline to talk you through your anxiety. Me? I like to make lists of what I’m worried about, think over each item, and then cross them out.
Feminists do seem to need their hotlines at the holidays, don’t they? It’s almost like there is something inherent in being a feminist that makes one mentally and emotionally unstable.
6. An anorexic, bulimic, or compulsive over-eater:
If you’re struggling with or recovering from an eating disorder…
She blah blah blahs about that a bit, but I say that your anorexic maladjusted killjoy feminist relative might just be the one you really want to invite, since apparently men are lining up to date such chicks, and she might be made into a well-adjusted, joyful, traditional wife someday after all.
7. Possibly homeless:
If you’re looking for food or shelter this season…services are available. Options vary by location, but religious centers are always a good place to check and the National Coalition for the Homeless can point you toward local resources.
If she’s not one of those UMC (upper middle class) white feminists, she’s likely to be poor and possibly dragging some “choice children” with her (thanks, feminism, for making poor women’s lives worse by destroying marriage among the lower classes!). Be prepared, maybe with some McDonald’s gift certificates or leftover cardboard boxes or something.
8. Likely to turn down your invitation anyway:
If you don’t feel safe at the celebration…you don’t have to go… Lori’s colleagues passed around a guide to the holidays that encouraged everyone to make the decision to spend holidays with their family of choice, rather than going home, if they know it won’t be good for them.
Yes, perhaps it would be best for all parties concerned if feminists just spent the holidays together and left us normal folks in peace.
9. But if your maladjusted feminist killjoy relative does come, remember that it’s got to be all about her:
…but you’ve decided to anyway, make sure to practice self-care. The holidays are hard, really, for more reasons than we could possibly address. Our library is far from comprehensive, but here are some of our favorite resources (and please suggest more in the comments):
She goes on to list a bunch of feminist resources on how to be awkward, inappropriate and self-centered, making sure to ruin the event for everyone in an attempt to ensure that everyone else is just as miserable as feminists are.
I find in reading her resources, dear readers, that I cannot escape the conclusion that feminism makes women mentally and emotionally unstable and that feminists feel compelled to spread their misery to everyone around them like a virulent ‘flu virus. Since you must invite such unhappy creatures into your home at the holidays, at least do those poor, lost, maladjusted, joyless souls a favor by pointing them toward my blog (or one of the other anti-feminist sites in my blogroll); you may just bring a feminist around to her senses. And if that isn’t a thought worthy of joyful celebration, I don’t know what is.
Feminists: always trying to make the holidays miserable for everyone.