Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. – Proverbs 22:6, King James Version
Train up a slut in the way she should go: and when she is old, she will not be able to depart from it. Proverbs 22:6, New Revised Feminist Version (NRFV)
This past Saturday, Deti emailed me a link to a blog post he thought I’d find interesting entitled A Letter to A One-Night Stand:
It never felt very excessive, there was never a point where I ran a brothel out of my dorm room…It could be the fact that I have a blog about sex, it could be the fact that I have a reputation following me. Whatever it is, it is what it is. I think purity is a hoax. One number doesn’t give a full explanation of WHY something happened. Maybe my judgement isn’t perfect and I can’t tell a good guy from a bad one. I can tell you this, with the exception of a few nights on vodka that probably weren’t in my best interest, I assure you I always hoped that _____ and I would have an arrangement that lasted longer than the next morning.
Her entire sad tale of one-night-stand woe was later translated at Amos & Gromar. From A girl named Mackenzie: a tale and translation of despair:
Translation: I’ve had more sex than most of the girls at school. But now that I’ve fallen for the lie, I want to make sure that the other girls do, too. Why? Because why should they have what I don’t? I’m undateable, so I want to make sure that the other girls are, as well, so I’ll hand them some literature on feminism. Did I already mention that sex is meaningless, even though it isn’t? If sex is no different than a handshake, why do I so desperately want…just something, just eye contact, just a little more. Sex is meaningless, sex is meaningless, sex is meaningless. The mantra isn’t working, professor. Why isn’t it working?
It isn’t working because as I have written repeatedly, women were not designed by God to be (crass language alert!) c*m dumpsters for multiple men. These kinds of confused, miserable narratives are bubbling up with increasing frequency from the underbelly (Hey now!) of the feministasphere. The uncomfortable yet undeniable realization that sluttery doesn’t pay is seeping into the female herd’s collective awareness. The reality of elder-sluts living in permanent spinsterhood, along with the increased risk of divorce correlated with a woman’s number of previous sexual partners should be serving as a corrective for rampant female sexual promiscuity. Right?
Wrong. The response which one would reasonably expect – a chorus of heart-felt mea culpas – is notably absent. Instead, the sex-positive herd seems bizarrely committed to doubling down on the Slutz 4evah! battle cry, in an attempt to lure ever more young women onto the casual sex carousel. Consider this article from XOJane, a website whose primary demographic is late-teen and twenty-something young women, written by one of the editors, Daisy Barringer:
This is the picture of Daisy that is provided with the article. How old would you guess her to be? Maybe 25?
The fact that she’s in her twenties colors how you will take her advice if you are a 19-year-old girl reading her article. But when I looked around a bit, I found other photos of her:
She is an attractive enough woman, but she’s clearly not in her twenties anymore. Bear that in mind as you read her suggestions for the young women who read XOJane; also notice how she brags about her own sexual promiscuity as if it were an oh-so-fabulous trait worthy of emulation:
“The Nine Men to Bed Before You Wed” – according to a random website AND “Daisy’s Qualifications for an Accurate Count”
1. The Bad Boy
OK. This is a given. Every girl needs to hook up with a “Bad Boy.” I mean, for most of us, it’s one of the first guys we hook up with, right? But what constitutes a “Bad Boy?” Does he have to wear a leather jacket? Ride a motorcycle? Have a scar on his eyebrow?
Personally, I’m going with “Has come close to being or has been arrested.”
Daisy: CHECK. I mean, I’ve got a felon in my dating history. Done and Done.
2. The Older Man
This one’s tough because I think age difference lessens as we get older, if that makes any sense. Like a 20-year-old banging a 40-year-old is newsworthy. A 40-year-old banging a 50-year-old, not so much. However, for the purpose of science, we will break this into two categories. If you’re “young,” then 10 years older counts as older, but if you’re “older,” then he’s got to be at least 17 years older. This is based on facts and stats and lots of math.
Daisy: CHECK. A 43-year-old when I was 26. He acted really young though. In every way you’re thinking.
3. The Foreigner
I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory. A foreigner is someone who is not from your country. However, I did need clarification if Canadians count for Americans. The general consensus was yes, but that it was weak. Still…
Daisy: CHECK. I’m sorry it was just with a Canadian. I will work harder in the future.
4. The Wealthy Man
Wealth is relative, but I think in order to cross this guy off your list, he has to be, like, really wealthy. Like second home, personal chefs, a savings account that most of us can’t fathom, etc. My friend tried to claim one of her dudes as “wealthy,” but even though he has a decent amount of money, I had to veto it because he lives with roommates.
Daisy: Does it count if we dated in high school? I think “no.”
5. The Athlete
Who knew THIS was the category that would cause the most contention? Some people felt that if he was any kind of athlete in college that counted. I felt that was too general and might end up including things like fencing, so I narrowed it down to: Played professionally or Division 1 in college.
Daisy: CHECK. Olympian, for the record.
6. A Man in Uniform
Pretty simple. This guy has to work in a profession with a recognizable uniform that tells others exactly what he does. So, like, a waiter doesn’t count, but military, police officer, fire fighter, and UPS guy all do.
Daisy: Nope. But if any fire fighters are game, I’m down to slide down their pole, if you know what I mean. Which, as always, you do.
7. The Nice Guy
Daisy: CHECK. More than one. But I always got bored. Mature Daisy would love to meet one though…
8. The Pretty Boy
Again, this one comes down to taste. My idea of a pretty boy is Damon on “The Vampire Diaries” (also counts as a bad boy since, you know, he’s a murdering vampire) or Jared Leto in “My So-Called Life.” But yours might be different and that’s OK.
Daisy: CHECK. This story is too good to share. We were sitting in a hot tub after snowboarding and The Pretty Boy looked at me for a while and said, “Wow. You have really pretty eyes… They look just like mine.” Nonetheless, I still got nekkid with him. What? He was pretty!
9. A Younger Man
Again, this is a tough one, but the final consensus is “Couldn’t have gone to high school together.” So 5+ years or younger. I think this one needs a little work though.
Daisy: CHECK. But barely.
7/9 OR 6/9 if we don’t count The Canadian. Not too shabby. Now I just need to find myself a wealthy foreign man in uniform and I’ll be all set to settle down!
…OK. I showed mine now you show yours. How many on the list have you crossed off and do you think my criteria are too rigid?
My favorite one is number seven; you can practically hear her rapidly desiccating eggs singing Where oh where has my beta provider gone, oh where oh where can he be?
The comment thread is a scream. Women are falling all over themselves to brag about their sluttitude, but there are a bunch of men just mocking the women in the most hilarious way:
Alana (whose profile describes her as a hot mess living in Brooklyn, NY with a matricidal cat) : I got a 100% on this test. Do I get a gold star and a complimentary STD test?
pimp: Send me an email application.